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new year

The end of the old year saw me falling into old patterns. New years eve was a bit of a mess, emails had been mis-send or worded strangely and I found out that the group of friends I used to hang out with are planning to do something by hunting down my friend on chat.

I was a bit taken aback that no one seemed to have found it necessary to inform me about the new year plans. But then people here in Iceland do tend to forget the people not on facebook, without any malicious intent. And here is what I should have done:

Suggested to meet up and watch the fireworks from a save distance. I am horribly afraid of anything which explodes, to the extend to panic attacks. I'm sure it would not have been a problem.

Instead I hid away in my room until 1 when I put on my favourite music and went earphones in ears to the party. Where everyone was lovely.

Before I left Iceland in 2012 I was in a state of constant fear to provoke anger. I was even afraid to tell my friends it is my birthday. Reactions I expected ranged from dismissive (why would we waste time on your birthday) to annoyance at me demanding attention, again. Being emotional abused is in many ways alike being a mouse in front of a playful cat. In a horrible position, but knowing full well, that any move will make things worse. At some point this fear bleeds into other relationships and thus one ends up with some colourful social anxiety disorders one never imagined ever having. And crushing loneliness.

However in the last two years I experienced an amazing side effect. I got to rediscover how awesome people can be.

A random woman acknowledging that I must have had a hard time when my mom died.

A friend having frequent, long (and drunk) Skype conversations from the other side of the world with me, before I met my flatmates in Chile (who are their own brand of amazing).

Being picked up from the airport and driving around town when it was way to early for shops to have open with the comment "I don't care what we do, I just want to spend some time with my friend." I'm going to have a word with the hobbit defense league to spare him once we take over the world.

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